Joseph Dobson & Sons Marshmallow Mega Lollies 1.99 kg

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If you have a big sweet tooth, you’ve come to the right place filled with classic gameplay of rainbow mania, sweet candy drops, lollipops, and marshmallows! If boiling sugar makes you run for the hills (or candy aisle!), have no fear. I’ve included all my candy-making tips in the recipe to guarantee sweet success. These would be nice if they had any flavour, which I suppose could be said of cardboard as well. I say poo poo to the huhu. An unnecessary lolly that doesn’t even have the thrill of looking like its namesake. All I’m saying is, it doesn’t not look like a sperm and a tampon at the same time. L-R: Giant strawbs, gobstopper, red coke bottles, russian fudge, huhu grubs

Update: I realise I have forgotten jet planes but I’ve already assigned numbers so unless they go dead last, I’ll place them here. Jet planes are good but are supermarket lollies. Condolences.] I like blowpipes (wish they had a better name than blowpipes tbh) but I’m aware that they’re polarising. They look like the scary red electric cords from the space level in Crash Bandicoot 2 and I assume that’s exactly what the manufacturers were going for. Unfortunately they’re sherbet without being sour, which makes the sherbet a bit pointless. But they come in nice colours and are satisfying to eat via being like a sweet noodle. Match at least 3 candies in a row to clear the board! Sweeten up the challenge as you crush assorted colorful candies through various quests in sweet colorful levels such as Lollipop Wood and Fudge Desert. The red Wonka liquorice ropes used to be stored in their bulk box, all stretched out and removed with a pair of tongs by god herself (the dairy owner). But for some reason, maybe health and safety regulations, they are now looped like a lasso rope and sold as a dollar bag. It’s taken away some of the fun but none of the flavour. Crash bandicoot avoiding blowpipes Hahaha sour grapes, get it? I thought this list would be way easier than the chips one but I’m already at 2200 words hahaha je suis sour grapes.

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All non-branded chocolate tastes a little bit like plastic. That’s the rule. Genuine chocolate with genuine coconut would be so full-on and sweet and you could probably only eat a little. Dollar bag coconut rough is none of those things and therefore perfect. I wouldn’t even consider it real coconut rough. It is its own thing and should never change. When sour coke bottles exist, it’s sad to think that the non-sour coke bottle has to go around pretending it’s “pretty much the same”. The less successful sibling of dairy lollies, the non-sour coke bottle needs to rebrand away from its beloved relative. Start a clothing line, write poetry, become their manager, do something. Combine bottlegreen bramble cordial, tequila, agave, lime juice into a shaker and top with one cup of water. Boil a small amount of water in your kettle. Put the sugar into a jug with a splash of boiled water and stir until the sugar is dissolved. You have to really love a lolly to keep buying it even after learning of its cancelled name and concept. Nobody loves these lollies that much.

Whittaker’s toffee milk aka the extremely hard caramel chocolate that sits in a box on every dairy counter. Only now, probably thanks to health and safety regulations again, they’re sold separately in dollar bags. It’s not technically a “dollar bag” lolly in the same way that this list isn’t technically “journalism” and yet here we are. Toffee milk is the most sophisticated lolly you can buy from the dairy and for that reason alone, it deserves a top five placing. I discovered these late (year 12, shoutout Dilip’s Four Square in Wellington) but boy did I make up for lost time. Raspberry drops are easily the best value for money in that they last for ages and you get a bunch in every bag. The one downside is they make your tongue go red/purple which is fine for a kid after school and less fine for an adult in a work meeting. As far as taste and longevity goes, you simply cannot beat a raspberry drop. My search for an image of “Y2K bug lollies” was futile. Turns out they’re called ‘sour spiders’ which is making me question every memory I’ve ever had. But I was right about them being Pascall at least.] Cut the pineapple and add 200g of it to your blender, along with the coconut rum, agave nectar, and coconut milk. Blend until as smooth as possible.The best bear. Wee sugar-coated pastel bears that are a delight to binge. They’re so small it feels like you’re barely eating anything. But you are. You’re eating a lot. (Image: Madeleine Chapman) Dishwasher residue. If you use a dish washing machine, or have a water softener, there can be residual soaps and water conditioners/ drying agents on your pans. Before making candy wash your pots with very hot water, going over each surface even if it looks perfectly clean, and dry with paper towels or air dry. Not everything needs variations. I’m someone who still spends money on vanilla coke and even I have no interest in red coke bottles.

I’ve opted for seasonal sprinkles, but you could also decorate them with crushed candy canes for a wintery spin. And don’t forget to stir in your favorite flavorings, such as cherry or strawberry extract to give the pops a punch of fruity flavor. Placing one of these on your tongue and feeling it dissolve like the mildest chemical burn is a uniquely New Zealand thrill. They’re also the best option in those weird lolly machines where you turn the handle and the sweets drop down the chute. Is this relevant to anyone? I’ve only ever seen them at Placemakers in Kaiwharawhara and VTNZ offices.These are actually fine. They’re always nice in the mixed bags but I’ve never, ever seen someone buy a full dollar bag of them so they go right here. Easy Homemade Lollipops are the fastest and easiest edible treat to gift or get. Their crystal-clear color leaves the door wide open for customization when it comes to the colorful add-ins. All sweet gum is gross after approximately ten (10) seconds or seven (7) chews. I’m honestly surprised these are still available. You do you, concrete gum. L-R: Pineapple lumps, rainbow bars, tangy grapes, crocodiles, spinning top gum

To serve, rim the glass with sugar, add a couple of scoops to a glass and then pour over 25ml of Framboise. No gummy is harder to chew than the infamous colourful crocodiles. It’s so, so hard. I used to think some off them had gone stale but no, that’s how hard they’re supposed to be. They’re a lovely colour, though, and the shape and size makes it fun to eat so credit where credit’s due. It’s a plain gummy done right. Small, soft, but still splits when you bite into it (the bad soft gummies don’t split and it’s gross). There’s nothing special about these strawberries but they’ve had many impersonators over the years and none have lived up to OG. Oh how the mighty have fallen. The sharks are undeniably cool. That turquoise blue is stunning and immediately catches the eye when you walk into a dairy. And they actually look like sharks, which is rare in animal lollies. But they taste. like. nothing. And in this holy day and age, don’t we all just want to feel something? The greatest fruit-flavoured chewy candy in the world. Tangy apples are to fruit bursts what Johnnie Walker blue label is to Jim Beam. I only just now realised how strangely Johnnie is spelled. Look at it properly. So many letters. But I digress, the tangy apple is a pillar of the dairy lolly empire and one of few wrapped lollies that have stood the test of time and convenience. L-R: teeth, marshmallow twists, coconut rough, sour lemons, tangy applesPlace about 5 raspberries at the bottom of each lolly mould, you need about 1cm of space at the top of the mould, so push the raspberries down. The yellow and red sour heart is a staple in every dairy. Inoffensive and with a gummy texture that’s not too hard and not too gooey, it’s maybe the safest, most consistent choice in a dairy lolly. A truly sadistic move from whoever invented these tooth-decayers in the shape of teeth. They don’t even taste very good but you really can’t beat the interactive experience of moulding the fake teeth over your real teeth. Great gag and therefore great lolly. I’ve noticed that people who are long in the tooth (euphemism and pun at the same time, you’re welcome) are very fond of these rainbow bars. I tasted one for the first time this week and I gotta tell you, I wasn’t impressed. What even is it? It tasted a little gooey like marshmallow but also jelly but also sugar granuley. Not a fan but I respect my elders so will rank it here.