Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World

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You deserve to have friendships where there’s an equal give and take. Friends who understand you, and you have fun, true, silly little kid fun (even if, and especially if, you never got to truly have fun as a kid, because you were already basically an adult). Friends who allow and encourage you to have healthy boundaries, as they work to establish their own. It doesn’t matter if you do it for work or do it for play, but do what you like to do. Sports, hobbies, hiking alone, travel, reading, collecting cigars, whatever it is, do it. You don’t even have to be super passionate about it, but if you enjoy it, do it. What have you done that you really wish you hadn’t? What can this teach you about your core values? How would you act if faced with a similar situation today? But one day, after camping with this group and feeling, again, that sense of not-belonging, I decided that it was neither me nor them. We simply weren’t a good match.

Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World

Here’s that link again if you’d like to learn more about the service BetterHelp.com provide and the process of getting started. While the people we spend our lives with can’t ever know everything we think or feel, they can often see things that may not be instantly apparent to us. As I got older, though, that didn’t turn out to be the case. It didn’t stop me from trying, though: I needed all these types of friends, because society told me I did, so I clung to the people I met who even remotely fit these descriptions like hard-won Girl Scout badges, no matter how unhealthy the dynamic was, as proof I could do it. I could be just like everyone else in this one way, since I couldn’t be like everyone else who had perfect families. (Please see my first book: How to Be Alone.) That was very much out of my hands. But friendships? I could do that. Contort myself to make a bunch of people like me and never leave? Can’t wait! There’s no way you could go wrong when that is your very upsetting view of friendship! In a world that's both more connected and more isolating than ever before, we're often tempted to do life alone, whether because we're so busy or because relationships feel risky and hard. But science confirms that consistent, meaningful connection with others has a powerful impact on our well-being. We are meant to live known and loved. But so many are hiding behind emotional walls that we're experiencing an epidemic of loneliness.Three of the most popular are the Big Five personality traits, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator®, and the Enneagram Type Indicator. I’ve started a quest to read a bunch of books on friendship and this was the second one. I’m wanting to learn how to be a better friend and reading books on the subject seemed like a good way to do it. The other weak point was on finding people that have time. Allen makes it sound easy to find people who will make time for you. No, she didn’t say that everyone you ask will, but she makes it sound easy. I personally know from experience that just finding people willing to make time can be one of the biggest challenges. I don’t think someone who is popular can understand this challenge well. This step is particularly useful for those who are looking to find themselves again after losing touch with what matters. 7. Look To The Future After all, you are not merely what you think and feel on the inside; you are what you say and do on the outside.

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An important, inspiring work about loneliness and the power of connection . . . Allen offers practical solutions to questions like how to find friends, how to make relationships less superficial, what a true community looks like, and how to navigate being ‘dumped’ by a friend.” —Katie Couric Media Cool Drunk Sara is also probably Cool Sober Sara Who Loves Getting Tapas After Work. You won’t know until you try.

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Think about how you typically spend your evenings and weekends. Most of the time, you probably sit at home, either alone or with a small number of roommates or family members. You make dinner for just you. You buy everything you could possibly need, making sure to never bother your neighbors for anything. And you spend hours staring into a screen –⁠ comfortable, safe, and entertained. But also sad. For this generation Jennie Allen is the vulnerable voice we need, and with Find Your People she has provided a beacon-illuminated map that is as practical as it is inspiring. Read this and find your people. Read this and find the life you have been hungering and thirsting for. Read this and find Jesus.” —Curt Thompson, MD, author of The Soul of Desire and The Soul of Shame I respect Jennie Allen, but this book bothered my conscience at times. There was a large amount of biblical truth in this book, and her practical tools were helpful, but at times I felt like Jennie Allen was out of touch with her audience and, to be frank, insensitive and prideful. I had a few big issues with this book: If you have recently gone through something that has made you question how you are living your life, it can leave you feeling at odds with the person you currently see when you look in the mirror. As an introvert, there were a few key takeaways from the book about putting myself out there and making an effort to build my village, but there weren't enough takeaways for me to recommend this book to others unless they fall into that small group I think would benefit from this group.

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Sometimes this process is slow and gradual. Other times certain events can shift things dramatically. We humans Creating a contract -- yes, a contract! -- could help you get what you want from your relationship Or do you feel like you have lost touch with who you are? Did you once have a good understanding of what really mattered to you? I have hermit tendencies that have been exacerbated by the difficulties of motherhood. I typically won’t be the first to reach out or to invite people over. I am awful at making plans. Seriously awful. Huge flaw. It’s not because i don’t care, I care more than you’ll ever know!! But, if someone else asks me to do something, I am there! If you need me to come help you organize your closet, I’ll be there in ten! Play date tomorrow? Absolutely!At first, I joined a group of people that I wanted very much to like me. I tried to be likeable, to support them and to do the work that was required to make our projects successful, to help out when I could, and I attended every party and event. But something wasn’t right. There were two points that I felt this book was weak. The first was understanding introverts. I agree with a few comments she made about some of the particles being the same, even if it is harder. However, I feel that this book would have been greatly helped if she had an introvert write some notes about how to overcome some of the challenges. I kept looking, following my heart into another group within the same larger community. This time, they seemed to genuinely accept me, to like me, to respond to me, to open up to me, and to both value me and appreciate that I valued them. And I did value them—I do. They’re a bunch of amazing creative, smart, motivated, fun, and genuine people. And it was like night and day.

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You know the ones—the people who get you, somehow; who are on the same wavelength. Some might even say the people who share the same brand of quirky, crazy, or oddness that you do. The ones who understand why you do what you do, or if they don’t understand, they either ask or they just accept, and either way is fine. There was an odd sense of people always keeping me at arms’ length. For several years, I decided that there was something wrong with me, which was why they didn’t seem to truly accept me. Some fresh advice on identifying and searching for your own community, from business innovator Nilofer Merchant.This is a handbook of sorts for creating friendship and community in the modern world—specifically geared toward followers of Jesus—but with many universal truths. Truths about the kinds of people we need, the people who need us, why this is crucial, and how ruthless we need to be to incorporate all kinds of people into everyday tasks, daily meals, boring errands, and intentional conversations. We have to log hours upon hours to build those relationships. To find your people, Allen recommends saying a prayer to God. Close your eyes, and beg Him to help you find people that can join you in fighting against the dark. Pray to become God’s idea of community: deep, intentional, day-in and day-out connection. This can be touchy depending on the situation, so obviously don’t do this if you know it could pose a problem, but if you think your friend’s girlfriend is really cool and there’s a possible friendship there, go for it and see if you’re right.